You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
