I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
