I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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