He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
