I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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