Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
