Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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