my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
