i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
