If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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