I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
