I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
