don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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