dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
barbara walters just said penis...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
