Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
