im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
