you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
