I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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