my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
