he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
