I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
