Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
