I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
