My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I did not marry a roomba.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
