I think I won the penis lottery.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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