we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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