12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
