dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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