Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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