dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
