Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
