Tell her she can't have a vagina
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
