from now on my penis is your penis
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
