I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
