so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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