i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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