I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he was CRYING into my vagina
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
