My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
