I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
