I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
