I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
