We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
