you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
