weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
