nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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