His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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