I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
