I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
