YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
