it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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