don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
