I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
