she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
