I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to cum in my sink.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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