2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
