Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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