the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
