god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize