If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
