I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
