Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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